Lonely Boy

That scared, frightened, little boy inside of me is really afraid.

He can't figure out what life is about.
He doesn't know how to live...
He doesn't know how to take care of himself.
He's all alone, overwhelmed, terrified, clueless.

There is so much confusing stuff he's got to try and figure out.
And nobody is helping him.

He's really scared and nervous.
What is he gonna do? How will he survive?
Can he ever be happy and content?

He just wants to escape.
He wants to give up.
He wants to hide.
He wants someone to take care of him...

He's afraid and alone.
It's him against the world.
He's trembling... He's crying.

Not tears of pain.

But tears of terror and desperation and crying out to someone... anyone...
Please help me!
Please...
I'm begging you.

Somebody come and rescue me and take care of me and show me the way.

Nobody comes.
Nobody is listening.
Nobody sees him.

He's going to have to do the best he can.
He's gonna study and learn.
He's gonna try and copy other people who seem to have it all together.
He's going to seek things to relieve the terror and anxiety for awhile.
He's going to look for a mother who will hold him and tell him everything's gonna be ok.
He's gonna fuse with strong, confident people and become part of them.
He's gonna please God and his parents so they won't hurt him.

And he'll keep hoping, wishing, and praying that they'll see him and help him.

But usually he just tries to act brave. And confident. And tough. And “ok.”
And he'll try to look good and succeed and get attention and affirmation and accolades.

But oh...
Oh what a lonely boy.

And now the little boy is a big man. With kids and a job and responsibilities.
And he's doing the best he can.

But often he feels like a fake, an actor.
A little boy pretending to be a man.

But at night he still feels afraid and alone.
He wrestles with demons, real and imagined.
And he's got a safe wall built up, a fortress if you will, that keeps him protected from the big bad world, from life.

He cries alone at night too often...
And wonderss if he'll ever get it together.
If he'll ever be a man.
If he'll ever be like the rest.

He's sad...
At times he feels hopeless.
What's the point of going on?

When he lets down the wall he may engage for awhile.
But before too long he feels confused and hurt again.
And retreats to safety and solitude

But oh what a lonely boy.

Usually he wants to be just left alone though.

“Leave me alone!"

"Please!”

And escapes into a world without danger and without responsibilities, and without work, and without conflict.

Peace.
Serenity.
Or at least the illusion thereof...

Is there hope for this boy?
What will become of him?
Stay tuned!

PS His only pet is a hermit crab!

God, what can you do with this guy?
Seems pretty desperate.
Hopeless?
Hopeless?

Should he still keep struggling for an answer?
For relief?
For change?

What is his prognosis?

He has wrestled the demons so long and so hard.
He's tired.
Weary.

He's afraid to feel.
To be vulnerable.
To try.

Well Doug...

What do you think?

Maybe it's time you paid attention to that little boy, and helped him out.
You have neglected him for too long.

You probably feel like you aren't equipped to help him.
But you are.

You keep crying for help, but your closest source of help is you.
Why not take advantage of that?

Oh yes.
I and others want to help too.

But you can do your part.
Love that little boy.
Care for him, and about him.
Reassure him.
Nurture him.

You have a lot to give.
Do the right thing.

You can't make the scared little boy disappear.
But you can help him grow.
Take it on as a project. Live it. Enjoy it.

He's 7.
He needs a Dad.
He needs a mentor.
He needs a friend.
You can be one for him, can't you?

I love you Doug (both of you!).
I am with you every step of this journey.
You're doing great. Just right.

You are very courageous to face the things you're facing.
And courageous for not giving up.

It is a process.
But that doesn't mean you won't experience great amounts of freedom and liberation, and joy and strength.
You will.

In due time.
In due time.

Peace,

Abba Father

I AM

Good morning Lord God.

D-day is here. I am a jumble of nerves, fears, hopes, expectations.

What if there are too many people for the room?
What if they don't come back after the first class?
What if they wonder why a fat guy is leading this?
What is the class before this one doesn't get out in time for us to get in and set up?
What if there aren't enough chairs?
What if the DVD doesn't work?
What if there are too many disruptions at the beginning or end of class, with people coming and going?

So, there you have it. My list of worries, concerns, and fears. Tada!


Morning Doug.

I love you. Have a great day!

I will be with you during the event. I promise my Holy Spirit will be there. And ministering Angels. So never fear. "I AM" is here.

I am weak and afraid and helpless
And God said, "I AM"

I am tired and weary and despairing
And God said, "I AM"

I am hurt and angry and upset
And God said, "I AM"

I am ready, receptive, and willing
And God said, "I AM"

Taken from Coach Doug's prayer journal of January 20, 2008.

surrender

Good Morning Douglas funny…

I love you buddy. You are awesome! LOL Yes. You really are. I’m pretty proud to have made you! You rock!

I love you so much. Not only because I like you…. but also because I choose too. My love knows no bounds. You can take it to the bank. It’s a done deal. It’s not changing. I ain’t going away. I love you. Think on that.

*****

OK. I am.

*****

I know you want to go go go, do do do, learn learn learn… that’s great. I put those desires in you.

But you must learn balance, discipline, and self control. Not easy, but necessary. If you’re gonna be a show horse!

I have great and mighty works for you to do. But this is a winnowing process. The chaff must be burned off. Leaving only the good coffee bean! 

Be patient. Continue to work on yourself. For that is where the fruit will come from. For unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it will never produce fruit. The world has yet to see what can be accomplished through a fully surrendered man…

It is not by might. Not by power. Not by ambition. Not by riches. Not by fame. Not by intelligence. Not by self-effort... that my kingdom is established. None of these mean anything to me. They are useless. Worse than useless. They are cheap imitations of the real thing. They soothe and pacify the shallow. They inoculate the Christian from the real thing that is necessary.

And what is the real thing you ask?? I’m glad you asked. It is complete and utter abandonment to my will. It is surrender. It is a yielding to me. It is an abiding in me. It is a trust in me. It is a faith in me. It is a crucifixion of the flesh that proudly says, “I know best.” “I can do this on my own.” “I have all power.” “I am…. God.”

When you get out of the way, my child, where you simply let go of your selfish desires and pursuits, and become as putty in my hands, then… THEN! Then I have something to work with.

And the piece that is created will be beautiful and strong, and useful. And it will enjoy being what it is. It’s a win-win-win. For me, for you. and for the people it serves.

My kingdom will come. My will will be done. The question is, will you be part of it?

*****

They are hard words my Lord. But I have learned them to be true.

Show me where I am holding back, holding onto, holding in.

Where do I lack faith, trust, dependence?

Where does my flesh still reign?

Put the spotlight on it.

Burn it.

Incinerate it.

I need courage and strength, because I’m pretty weak. And I don’t like pain. I‘m willing to go through it. But honestly, I need your help.

*****

I know Douglas,

And that’s ok. I’m not asking you to do what you can not do.

I’m asking you to do the parts you can do, and lean on me for the rest.

Do you not think I am as invested in this as you are?

the call

Douglas, you are my precious child. I will use you much to touch the lives of the hurting and lost... I will help you be more like Jesus, to have the mind of Christ, to flow with the Spirit.

Have I not blessed you with the group coaching? How your influence will spread to multitudes of people who need me. There are soo many lost sheep out there... scattered as without a shepherd. So many lost, adrift, tossed to and fro. I will place my spirit upon you to minister in my name. The world is desperately in need of ministers... ministers. Good samaritans. Those who will step out and seek and save those who are lost and wandering and hurting.

I place upon you the mantle of a minister, a pastor, a shepherd. Tend my precious flock Douglas. Tend my sheep. Feed my sheep. That's what I told Peter. Feed my sheep. David was a shepherd. John saw me as the good shepherd who calls his sheep. You, Douglas, are called to tend my sheep. You have great compassion for my little ones. And you follow my heart. What else is needed in a shepherd?? Nothing. Just follow your heart. Love them as I love them. You need to become "Jesus with skin on" to them. They need it... badly.

You have my unfettered blessing to go forth and minister. Use it as you will.

seeing God

You know how long I have been looking to understand You... and Truth... and Reality.

Many others have been looking, too. And so many different results.

What is of human origin, what is deception, and what is you? Jehovah? It's really hard! :(

Please help me, in Jesus' name I ask... please help me to know what is from you. Discernment, God. Please...

No, I don't deserve it. But I need it. And I'm asking for it. Please."

******************************

I hear you Doug. To know me in this life is not very easy. You must look through a cloudy window. And sometimes you see shapes and images that play tricks on your mind and spirit.

And yes, sometimes the enemy tries to get you to see things that look like me, and gets your hopes up, leading you down the wrong path.

It is hard.

But he who seeks me shall find me. Patience, perserverance, discernment, humility, integrity, fellow believers, and my special, wonderful Spirit... these will all be aids in your quest.

One day you will know me fully. Your great dream will be realized. But not in this life. Not in this life.

Be patient. The "hope" lies before you. Don't give up... Never give up.

And relax. There is only so much you can do. Rest in me.

potentcy

It seems like sometimes I am seeking to reaffirm my libido, sexual energy, masculinity, potency... Do I still "have it?"

*****

I know, Doug. It is based of fear. Fear that you are or will become impotent. Impotent. That's your fear. Are you strong? Powerful? Big? Ready? Able? Will you be able to perform at peak capacity? Experience higher levels of joy/bliss? Or have you lost it... That is a big fear, and worthy of being concerned about. I would be. So, I validate your concern and fear of loss of something so vital. I just think the way you go about trying to reassure yourself is childish. There are better ways. Learn of me, Douglas Doan! :)

encouraging the troops

I am near to those who are suffering. I stand by those who endure. I trust those who choose what is right even when it doesn't feel good.

A good soldier denies himself worldly pleasures, ever if they are legitimate, in order to be fully available for his commander.

The road you are walking is tough. Few there be who choose it... and stay in it.

I love you.